Trying is a victory in itself.

Five days without levothyroxine. No crashing down — except for a few minutes yesterday morning when I felt shaky.

These five days were very important to me. They revealed a side of myself I had completely forgotten.

I was much calmer – so much so that my family noticed. They joked saying it looked like I had taken a chill pill.

Yesterday, on Day Four, I spoke to my psychiatrist.

He was not very pleased to hear I had woken up crying. I was not surprised. It was the one symptom I feared the most, but I still had to be honest.

We agreed that instead of lowering straight to 600 mcg, I would stay at 650 mcg for two to three weeks before reevaluating.

Was I disappointed? Yes, a little. Not because of the side effects of excess, but because this is something I really want to test. I often ask myself — I especially do during unstable moments — who am I, really?

Am I the person who is kept steady by high dose levothyroxine? Or the depressed, hypomanic, and suicidal one without it ?

My husband tells me it is an irrelevant question. He always reminds me: would a diabetic person ask the same about insulin ?

Today, Day Five, I woke up really well despite not taking take the medication for this very length of time. It felt as if I was still on the same dose. I could even go one more day without it.

I contacted my doctor and he trusted my feedback and agreed to stick to the original plan and go for 600 mcg.

I took my new dose of 6 pills only. I am hopeful that this will be a smooth transition.

Small wins. Hope. Strength. Gratitude. Complete trust in my doctor. And endless support and love from my family and friends.

What else could I possibly need?

To be continued…