When the dream catcher fails to catch all your dreams

So I went all the way to London. I am from Egypt you see, I had to pay good money for a visa, and lots more for accommodation and living expenses. One hefty sterling pound costs 23 Egyptian pounds. You get the picture.

Any-who. We travelled, out of pocket. We did everything by the book. We stayed in the nicer areas. By we I mean my husband and I, and later my sweet father. We ate out, he took me shopping. He transferred money to me weekly even though he was already paying for most of the stuff.

He isn’t a millionaire. He isn’t a business man. He is just a loving father.

Twenty five days we stayed in London. Day in day out. My husband visited every single second he had. He took me out even to the west end.

I cried in their arms and laughed some more.

I was not prepared however for what the doctor told me one fine morning.

He told me Nour you have to go home. I didn’t comprehend. What home? Like the place we are renting out here in London? No? Home as in Cairo? As in the Middle East, pyramids and all? Why!! I am following your words by the book. Doctor Zamar your words are my command like literally.

Why summon me and tell me this?

It figures the bloody Prozac is giving me horrible withdrawal symptoms. He can’t treat me with them taking place. It is nothing personal he said but rTMS won’t be efficient. Nothing would work.

His plan was to fly me home and give me back Prozac and instead of weaning me off cold turkey; to tapper it off gradually.

Trivia: do you know that they don’t sell Prozac in smaller doses than 20 mg in many countries?

Guys, people of the pharmaceutical world stop lobbying against recreational drugs and kindly start putting your **it together with psychotropics.

An Arabic word comes to mind to describe the situation “Haram”; it roughly translates to “god forbidden”.

God forbids this bullshit companies are selling to us the millions of us this shit as pain relief…

God forbids you to prescribe us shit that will literally make us want to end our lives

God forbids you from making zillions hurting us and also making us dependent on you with every cell of our body.

We don’t need strong will to quit the poison you are selling us, we need a miracle.

I was willing to undergo Electric Chock Therapy ECT- which would basically erase what is left of my poor memory- just to get rid of the effect of the antidepressant in my body. That my friend is like asking me to deep fry my hand to get rid of a mole. It is that illogical. But I was willing to; cross my heart. Doctor bless him said it would be useless.

So now after quitting dear Prozac – the sweet antidepressant that is almost given over the counter – and I swear to god given to “normal” people who just want to lose weight; I am back to square one. I am taking it again. And will reduce the dose every 10 days.

I can’t give you more feedback about my new treatment as it came to a halt.

But for the love of god, for the love of Jesus, of Moses, Mohamed, and Buddha; NEVER take antidepressants if you might be suffering from a mood spectrum disorder.

TBC

When your are dumped by your therapists…

Betrayal is the feeling of having been left alone, stabbed in the back, having someone take action behind your back or against your will.

Abandonment is the act of betraying a promise – written or otherwise for no logical or understandable reason to the person being abandoned.

Ethical Framework to the counseling professions is about Ethics (values, principles, and personal moral qualities) and it is also about Good Practice (putting clients first, working to professional standards, respect, integrity, accountability and candor, responding to ethical dilemmas and issues etc. )

I have been chewing on these few concepts since last night. I slept because I took a sleeping pill, which for once was quiet useful.

I would like to dwell today on values. I like the word values, it is tricky because it is personal. It is related to morality, because why would something be valued if it is or is not morally viable? hmmm

You might perhaps be wondering why I am asking or putting forward all these philosophical and linguistic babbling. Here it goes:

I was betrayed and abandoned by both my psychiatrist and psychologist agasint the ethical framework binding the helping professions. Ah, much better to say it in writing.

I am not interested in pointing fingers, or mentioning names. I like Jesus, this wise man decided to give the other cheek. I take to his way of doing things, though am neither religious nor wise. But you see, Jesus had a point. When you give the other cheek you force the person in front of you to start questioning their moral stand point. They start thinking of their actions and reactions. They question themselves. Maybe, if one is lucky, they discover that they could have acted differently.

The reason I am being denied treatment by both my helpers is that I refuse to be hospitalized. I prefer daily monitoring, while being close to my children. I am  in no danger to others and I have vowed not to pass to the act of self harm under any circumstances. I was not once offered an alternative solution to hospitalization, I was not once talked to about the benefits of being closed up. It was just decided, with a strong authoritarian approach  that no hospitalization equals no treatment.

Is there something called middle ground? Let’s try and find out in the dictionary. Yes! There is dear people something called middle ground,  and it means and I quote the Cambridge online English Dictionary: “a position between two opposite opinions in an argument, or between two descriptions.”

Very well, So if the argument of my therapists is that they wash their hands from the blood a potential suicidal person – whose suicide has now been established to be induced by anger – is valid. What does it actually mean? Here are a few options, you may add your own:

1- Protecting their “practice” is more important than protecting their patient: Self evident really. I wash my hand from thee blood on me chart of dead patients.

2- Protecting their “practice” is more valuable than the life of a borderline personality disorder (BPD) patient: By default a BPD fears, like seriously fears being left alone or behind. But again, thee blood is not on me finger (choice of finger left to you my dear reader)

3- Protecting their “practice” is a manipulative: Aha, yes let us tell the patient we shall not be responsible for you anymore and then wait behind the theater’s red curtain for the moment when the patient falls into the ground and starts begging them to control her life and take her back into the bliss of treatment.

There must be many more reasons, one of which is plain stupidity. Not once was I asked to find anther therapist, or helped in finding one. What about the period between ending your mighty help, and me finding someone else to help me? Lexomil, Dolipran, cutting my own veins?  What was going into your tiny minds, with your tiny neurons floating around in this state of reduced mental capacity for judgment?  I would seriously reconsider careers if I were you… But you are not that smart

You did me some favors though:

I learned that I alone own my destiny. 

I learned that I alone control what goes into my body and in my mind.

I learned that I alone decide whom I will share my life.

I refuse to learn that people are bad until they prove otherwise. 

TBC