In search of purpose 

My worst symptom, my biggest fear is this endless feeling of emptiness. The Void, with a capital V. 

You might think a mother of two on the move has barely time to scratch her head. True. By far my days are filled with purpose. But purpose looks like a pyramid and that is not because am Egyptian. Bad joke. 

Purpose is like the ultimate reason for existence in a way. Why do I wake up? Well, because I have children to mind for. I have a bottle to make, a diaper to change, breakfast to prepare, water bottles to put in backpacks, small legs on which to put shoes and two lovely blissfully happy beings to get to school/nuresry. But what if they were not here? Well, I have to sort the laundry, unload the dishwasher, answer a few mindless emails and maybe cook. And then? Well, I would be free right? Is this not the goal of every stay at home mother (SATM)?

Hell yea! Now the fun should begin. I am getting ready for the fun. It must happen anytime now between these two loads of laundry. Maybe it will happen right after my trip to the supermarket. Oh wait, maybe just after cooking diner. Nope. Nothing. Where is this liberation am waiting for? Where is my me time? Oh, say it again? Who is me? Oh… I simply cannot answer this question.
One day my so clever 8 year old daughter asked me this fun question. You know part of mummy and me time. Our weekly routine to which she looks forward so much is; it sacred for her. We get to talk the two of us away from the monster screaming toddler that we adore so much. She says mama I wish I could fly. What do you wish for? 

V O I D. Nothing. I squeezed those malfunctioning neurons of mine to find an answer. But nothing relevant came out. Être heureuse (being happy) I said. But my smart girl said this is not a wish maman, it is a choice. How right can she be, only heaven knows. But sweet girl, I wish it were that simple. 

I lack purpose. I don’t have dreams. There you go. I spelled it out. I don’t want to be a doctor or an astronaut. I don’t want to be a chef or a model (laughing out loud now!). I don’t want to be the world’s CEO or run an NGO. No. Nothing seems fulfilling to me. You know why? Because I know that once I get there and fulfill this purpose I would have to look for another one. This is very trying and I have been struggling with setting goals, getting there, then feeling completely empty afterwards…

Ingratitude? Spoiled brat? Depression? All names that mean nothing really. At the end of the day, I am left alone with my daunting thoughts of lack of purpose, of failure, of wasting pressure years waiting for Godot. 

More to follow…

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