detachment

dɪˈtatʃm(ə)nt/

noun

1.

the state of being objective or aloof.

“he felt a sense of detachment from what was going on”

synonyms: objectivity, dispassion, dispassionateness, disinterest, indifference, aloofness, remoteness, distance, open-mindedness, neutrality, lack of bias, lack of prejudice, impartiality, fairness, fair-mindedness, equitability, even-handedness, unselfishness

“as an anthropologist you look on everything with detachment”

I am taking my meds religiously. I look at the pills and think they have salvation inside. As if that one pill at a time will erase my sadness and fill me with light instead; little by little. 
I never liked drugs or wished to try them. I am a control freak and with antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs you lose control. I don’t feel the light I imagined, but maybe it is just too early. 

I live in my body but it is like a machine. I do chores with an empty mind. I am neither hungry nor thirsty most of the time. I just want to sleep. 

When I do I enjoy it so much. It is like being on a boat trip with the sea singing a lullaby to take me deeper and deeper in this state of drowsiness. I wake up reluctantly wishing it could last some more. One more minute of total detachment, forgetfulness, un-feeling; one more moment of being happily depressed. 

More to follow