First cigarette in the morning, first cup of coffee, first intake of treatment….

Nicotine enters my body, giving caffeine a high five. #Lamictal, #Seresta and co are going down slowly in their longer journey to the stomach and then up to the brain… They are looking in disdain towards the other chemicals well knowing their superior effects on my poor soul.

This is how every morning begins. A chemical reaction to racing thoughts where survival is the prime goal. I once heard that if you survive anything for 10 seconds, you can repeat and thus anything is surmounted with this simple trick to the brain.

A while ago, I could not understand a mother who burnt all her bridges. Then, one day it hit me that she is sick; as sick as a dog actually. Running away, pushing those around you to hate you is a strong weapon. It could be manipulative to know how far they will go for you when you start pushing the limits. Sadly, other times it could mean that you cannot stand that their presence enforces you to make choices…You cannot take all the stimuli they emit and you feel overwhelmed by their reactions. They have the right to be sick of you… Point à la ligne.

Now I have to take a decision, should I make a choice or not. Bipolar and a Gemini it hurts to make choices. I see things in shades of gray and also in an absolute black and white. My worst enemy is here and I am scared…. What are those mood stabilizers? Why aren’t they working ? Ten seconds at a time…

TBC