On good days I try. I try hard…
Sometimes my system shuts down. I cannot help it. I shut off completely. It starts with pain and ends with pain. Everything hurts to the extend that I cannot imagine surviving.
My head throbs just like an earthquake. My back curls like I am being sliced with a knife. My stomach is invaded with nausea that I cannot describe. I cannot breath. I cry and I cannot breath. My chest is contracted and I cannot find air. I force myself to breathe, yet each breath revives the pain in my body.
It goes on and on and on. I drift into sleep and lose count of the hours. I wake up and the minute I open my eyes, I feel the pain as fresh as it was before I fell asleep. I shut down.
When this happens no one can save me. I cannot take medication, I cannot ask for help. It hurts beyond my humanity.
I think I should die then and there, but I cannot do it. I am too weak or too strong I don’t know. I cannot do it for my family. Yet I cannot imagine going through this one more second.
I am a failure, nothing can convince me otherwise. I have no pride, no achievements, no future. I have immense pain shattering my body into pieces. It is worse than anything I experienced before. As if my body says it cannot live one more second, yet it remains in this pain crippled by its own doing. What is this misery ?
One thought on “Shutting off”
No ya Nour, you are not a failure. You are a beautiful inside out woman, friend, wife & mother! The future is in your hands to fulfill all your dreams. Your family & friends love you endlessly. The pain will go away.. will come back again maybe in different forms but again will go away. Better days are coming for sure and we still have a lot to look forward to my dear. Be strong for all your loved ones ❤️