I would like to shed my skin like a snake…
I would like to change colors like a chameleon…
I know that personal growth is not always linear.
I know also that sometimes you keep on suffering until you learn the lesson.
Things are more bearable during the day. Yet, when the sun sets, and as the sky becomes darker, there is little left to be done. The few chores of the day end one by one.
I sneak back to my corner in bed. I hold my phone and do nonsense. Minute after minute, tic toc. It is past midnight already. I count the hours I have left in bed, and dread facing the next morning. I will myself to sleep but know to well that this is not how it works.
Someone else got into the control center in my head and took over. I am equally lost between trying to fight and surrendering. They are the same.
I’d do anything if I could. Like walking on shifting sand I lie on this side then on that side seeking comfort.
I finally fall asleep but my dreams are no solace. Of course they are vivid. I stopped trying to know what is true and what is not. They are as real as it gets, and also as fake as it gets.
I usually fixate on things in my dreams. Small details, they keep on coming back. I wake up without any memory of what happened. Just a feeling of weirdness and abnormality. Too much brain activity or too little. All the same.
I find small feet cuddling next to mine. They are seeking comfort and safety in me. In me…
I wake up to the sound of the alarm and hit snooze. I wish I could escape from the responsibility of being me.
I wish I could let go.
I worry about my family and how they will react – again. Pity, love, empathy, boredom, anger, what again will they feel.
I can see my temporary paralysis turning beautifully into a handicap. Will I need to be taken care of again? Till when I wonder… Will I ever be an adult?
I don’t know what to do with every single second of my day. I listen to this song then forward to another. I watch this show and then another. I go out for a smoke then decide it is too cold. I want cookies and cheese at the same time. What the hell is going on.
You know I wish I had a timeshare at a mental clinic. How cool would that be? Hello yes, this is client 44087. I am calling for room 13. Yes, is it time already. Is it empty today? Sure, like last time yes. I would like to start with the locked up package first. And I insist, don’t let me out even if I beg you too. That’s it then. See you later. Oh yes, I know the drill. No sharp objects of belts. Thank you.
Perfect customer service.
A few weeks after, my skin would have shed. Yes I am a reptile after all. Why? Oh am also a chameleon and I change colors all the time. Only difference is this is not for adaptation like reptiles. It is a malfunction, a mutation if you prefer.
At the end of the day, survival is for the fittest…