L’amour qui déchire

Silly to realize that your own state of mind is excluded to you. No dear, everyone has the right to be depressed, angry, or even manic.

I am in love. I am deeply in love, but my mind is getting me out of mind. How can I explain? It could look like I am taking those around me for granted. It is not the case, actually my diagnosis as one with a BPD*, I have this sacred feeling of abandonment – or the likelihood of it. I just said I burned my bridges. Nuts I am yes, but I cannot throw everything in the air. I have an out-of-this-world husband. I have two superb children, a loving father and a great deal of support when in crisis.

What I fear is that those around me get bored, tired, or simply cease to care. Now, I am here all alone, by my own doing… “He shut me down” says the song, and this was my clue to take my tail between my legs and run. I say I do not run, but this is what I do best. Apparently am a runner.

I remember when I was 8 or 9 years old. My mother did not give in to my ultimatum, so I put my belongings into my backpack and ran down the stairs. No one came after me. I had to go up those 5 flight of stairs to knock and ask to be let in – though still I think I had done nothing wrong.

I just tend to open the door and go. I think that by doing this, I gain freedom or temporary release from my problems. But it is exactly the opposite that happens. It all starts with this anguish and feeling of being misunderstood. I open the door, I hope that someone will truly say something that makes sense. Usually, this never happens. I then go down the stairs step by step… No one is running after me. Silence.. Only my footsteps can be heard. In the street I go, my heartbeat is going strong in my own ears. I hear nothing but the “BAM BAM” of my veins, as if my heart is trying to call me back to my senses and tell me that running away is by default running AWAY from my problems.

I love my family. I love nothing and no-one more than my family. In my bubble, I try to stretch out my arms to touch them. I barely reach the surface. I look out and see both our hands are tied… Their hands are tied because they do not understand me, and mine are tied because I do not understand me either….

*BPD: borderline personality disorder

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