Dealing with suicidal thoughts when you have Bipolar II

suicide

ˈs(j)uːɪsʌɪd/

noun

plural noun: suicides

1 1.
the action of killing oneself intentionally.”he committed suicide at the age of forty”

2 synonyms:

3 self-destruction, taking one’s own life, self-murder, self-slaughter, felo de se; Moreself-immolation;
historicalsuttee;
historicalhara-kiri, seppuku;
informaltopping oneself, ending it all
“she committed suicide”

Definition of suicide

a : the act or an instance of taking one’s own life voluntarily and intentionally

2: one that commits or attempts suicide

So I am admitting: I am suicidal. I have suicidal thoughts that lead me nowhere. I cannot commit the act for so many reasons. The most obvious is my family. I cannot do this to them… I just cannot imagine their distress, sadness, and feelings of betrayal.

Secondly, maybe not secondly but anyway, I cannot commit suicide because I have no access to any of my favorite tools- Benzo* meds. I am hospitalized and thus I am only allowed one dose at a time; always checking that I actually swallow everything they give me.

Thirdly, down deep inside, I feel like a coward wanting the easy way out. But honestly I sometimes I do not even see the “difficult” way out.

Good news now I have quit Seresta, “used for the treatment of anxiety and insomnia and in the control of symptoms of alcohol withdrawal”, a Benzo but that for me does absolutely nothing. From reading about it, I think it does not work for me because it is an intermediate acting Benzo which supposedly should’ve decreased my anxiety. It works on GABA receptors – which basically makes your brain less anxious. I talked to several patients here with me and many said even at high dosage, it is quite useless…

But of course, this antianxiolytic has to be replaced by something else, otherwise I will have horrible withdrawal effects: the last thing I need. So now I am on Valium, which honestly decreases my anxiety levels and reminds me of my favorite Benzo Lexomil. I cannot take my fav because I overdosed on it. So now this Valium (Diazepam if you are keen to know the real name for it) is great as it is a long acting Benzo, which is similar to Lixomil. This means less anxiety and more muscle relaxation.

*Benzodiazepines: are a class of psychoactive drugs whose core chemical structure is the fusion of a benzene ring and a diazepine ring. [They] enhance the effect of the neurotransmitter gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) at the GABA A receptor, resulting in sedative, hypnotic (sleep-inducing), anxiolytic (anti-anxiety), anticonvulsant, and muscle relaxant properties