As the droplets of rain fall onto my swollen feet, I wonder about the meaning of existence…
What does existence mean I ask in t his suffering? I gained 5 kilos in 2 days. That is a reflection of the anger and irritation inside of me.
When the grey sky looks down upon me, I wish I did not make promises of any kind to anyone.
Existence is so painful. That is the phrase that keeps repeating itself in my mind. With my swollen feet, I walk with shame around the house.
I want to shut the curtains and cover the mirrors. Yet, I can still see myself with my eyes closed, I suffer in silence.
If I am to scream, I would be voiceless. I am drained. I am a mass of depression roaming the house with clothes that ache from holding on to my ever growing body. I wonder how they manage to do it!
My body, my mind, my bipolarity are insanity. Insanity is a state of mind where nothing is logical or meaningful anymore.
A promise kept at the dark alley of a mental hospital to stay alive is the only thing to which I am holding. I do not even think I am helpable (new word)
I feel like red ridding hood, in a dark ugly forest with someone showing me the way to avoid being hurt by the wolf. I am now alone with my fears with no medical help to avoid this wolf of suicide and depression. Maybe the sounds of the ambulances I rode were not so bad. Maybe the million questions asked by the paramedics before being reanimated are not too difficult to answer. Maybe just the fact of voiding myself and putting the responsibility of being alive on someone else’s skills is not that stupid after all.
Just a vow to stay alive. My only wish is for this vow to be kept. No, I am lying, my only wish is that something not of my doing happens to me to alleviate this pain by ending the source of it: my mind. Maybe falling into a coma would be achieving both goals: staying alive and shutting off my mind if I am lucky.
The only hope is that when I end, all this suffering will end with me. Otherwise, it will be the biggest farce humanity has ever faced.
2 thoughts on “When you are denied suicide”
Nour your existence means a lot to all of us, your family, and most of all to yourself, I mean what are you talking about? I’m not a good writer and I can’t express myself as you do, but I’m sure you get what I mean. It’s not the doctors or the medication that will get you out of this phase, you have to believe and it has to come from yourself, deep inside. I know, it’s easy said than done but hey you can do it. Look at the bigger picture, not weight, clothes, etc… look at your achievements, look what you’ve done in the past 10 years, for instance, and be proud! Do you want me to count them for you 😉 you’re so smart and strong and I’m sure that this will pass! X
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I am speaking of existence in the bigger meaning of it. The point of life. Why are we waking up in the morning? I made scrambled eggs for the kids. What is life all about. Is it the moment I beat up the eggs, when I put them on the pan, when they eat them? All of the above? Existence seems futile and meaningless. Achievement is the new opium of the masses, instead of religion