If it happens once…

I have already said that my meds are my shield; my little bullet proof glass shield through which I see life. No harm comes in as long as the window is closed.

Yesterday was a good day. I spent time with my husband and I was not thinking of anything else. Just him and me. I didn’t push him away, I didn’t talk about my sad thoughts, I didn’t try to say everything will be ok. I was there and then. In the now and in the moment.

I was enjoying looking at him, holding his hand, having coffee together, hugging him and talking to him. I felt normal. It has been so long since I felt normal. I didn’t need excuses, I didn’t think what would happen if, I was simply enjoying his love and my love to him.

This could sound so absolutely stupid and trivial. It might come to many as something usual. To me this is a big deal. To stay a few hours worry-free is beyond liberating. To accept the love and devotion given by another human being (in this case the love of my life) without any fear is priceless.

If it happens once, it can happen again. I am trying to do my own cognitive behavioral therapy. Using my background in psychology since my psychiatrist said it is too early for psychotherapy. I argue much less, defend myself much less, and try to really listen to those around me. I stopped feeling misunderstood, I don’t want to be a victim even one to my own thoughts.

I am giving myself a chance…

More to follow

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